[14-1114] your nearness

I could not breathe, I could not look up, I could not move

a single breath, a single glance, a slight twitch of a fingertip could break all of me

after all these years, you still paralyze me.

[14-1113] then I am glad at least you are at ease....

blind love - cnblue

will this love fade with each passing season...?

your smile I can't erase,

memories tangle with scent of flowers all around

I'm missing you

Oh girl you are meant for me

Thought you were mine

I hate you, I resent you, I miss you so I cry

will this love fade with each passing season...?

you're nearer when I close my eyes

but will I forget you...someday...?

once there was love so beautiful

I reminisce the moment we kissed, the moment frozen in time

I'm missing you

Oh girl you are meant for me

Thought you were mine

I cry, I swear, I miss you so I laugh

is this love like petals of flower...?

they fall, they scratch my wounded heart

you who left me, are you relieved now that the troubles have passed

then I am glad

at least you're at ease....

can I erase you out of my mind?

you're nearer when I close my eyes

but will I forget you...

someday...?

[120612] Falling Slowly

The song came one, suddenly and unexpectedly. The time sprang backward four years. My heart beat strong and fast, yet tangled in the desires that my head sometimes forgets.

again - 111026

you, in my dream again.


...why?

crying -111010

I was all right for a while


I could smile for a while


but I saw you last night


You held my hand so tight


When you stopped to say hello


you wished me well


You couldn’t tell that


I’ve been crying over you,


Crying over you and you said "so long"


Left me standing all alone,


Alone and crying, crying, crying, crying


It’s hard to understand


but the touch of your hand can start me crying

I thought that I was over you


But it’s true, so true


I love you even more than I did before


But darling, what can I do?


For you don’t love me

and I’ll always be


Crying over you, crying over you


yes now you’re gone


and from this moment on, I’ll be crying,

Yeah, crying, crying over you



 
It began there, at the train station in the eastern Taegu.
It took so long to get there, to leave you there, my memories of you in trash.
That's how I wanted to remember it all.

How foolishly I crumble, at the very sight of you.

Now I must journey back to the old train station.
I know not whether I want to make sure I left you there...or to retrieve you.
But this journey won't be for a while,
For I am too weary and vain...and maybe just a little bit apprehensive.

...and on I went - 090501

I saw her first. she had just shoveled a forkful of food into her mouth, hunched slightly over her plate. I could see she had plumped up again.

then I saw him. our eyes met amid his conversation with another guest. he appeared the same as before. even his contemptuous weaknesses, the shame that I once chose to forgive, were all there still. I walked on with not a trace of hesitation. my little white dress and the ruffled petticoat seemed to exaggerate the bounce of each and every step.

Rêverie

With the final days of the summer I sensed the end was near. It was time to let go. So I did.

Pain, resentment, sorrow...all receded into seemingly distant past. But I felt empty never, for my love still remained, ever so beautiful, ever so blissful, the root of everything I shall ever do henceforth. And this I want you to remember, long after the days you have forgotten.

au revoir, mon amour...

080826

S and I have begun having breakfast before work from time to time. The young junior designer has found me to be her mentor of some sort and she had asked many questions about the design industry, the firms I used to work for, and what she should expect outside of her first professional job.

This time we met at Lulu's Creperie for our early morning rendezvous. She was telling me about her boyfriend of six years. After being away on business for three months, S's boyfriend was due to come back in a month. She confided in me some time ago that, instead of missing him, she felt relieved, liberated. Upon his return, she was expected to accept his proposal. Having the time to think about it, she said, made her even more unsure.
 
"Can I ask you a question? You don't have to answer if you don't want to," I said.

She looked back at me with curious and anticipating eyes.

"Do you have a crush on someone else?" I asked.

She lowered her eyes.

"How do you know?" she asked.

"He's married, isn't he?" I asked her back.

Her jaw dropped.

"Really, how did you find out? I never told anyone," she said, baffled.

This time I lowered my eyes and shrugged, taking a sip of now lukewarm coffee. Our beret-wearing server stopped by to clear the plates. Except for an old man sitting at a table next to us, apparently a regular, the restaurant was empty. The fog had lifted and the sun was shining through. In the warmth of the morning sun we sat, contemplating. For the life of her she would never figure out how I knew.

080823

You have completed a full circle.
Now you are as the day you were born.

Happy 60.

080817

I saw you in my dream last night. It was a night of endless images but all I could remember was you, standing there, smiling. Then you called me this afternoon much to my surprise. You sensed gaiety in my voice. I didn't want to admit I was actually glad to hear from you.

Watching men's swimming in Olympics lately had me thinking of you. You never did lose that athletic swimmer's body from your days of youth. The morning after the first night we spent together, I woke up and saw you looking out the window, a white towel wrapped around your waist, hair still wet from shower. You were tall, lean, shoulders broad, hips proportionally narrow. For the first time I marveled at a man's body, which until then had been a source of certain repulsion and contempt. I found you as beautiful as you found me.

You have come and gone all in the course of this short evening. All I'm taking from tonight is how you wrapped your hand over my left hand and wrist and asked if it was still hurting a lot. Yes, I said, it's the most mundane activities that give it pain. You wound your fingers tighter around my hand and dozed off.

Yet, my friend, I love you not for I love another, even though this love is made of equal parts resentment, sorrow and madness. I seek from you the comfort and familiarity of our bygone childhood years when life was simple and innocent. Neither do you love me. We each hold back so much from each other, wanting, but not giving, knowing not to utter the same words we whisper in bed when we're clothed.

Selfish is what we are. Measured is the time ahead of us. Hurt we both shall be at the end of this time.

080813

in time. our paths shall not cross.

080809

"So, when are you coming back?"

I'm hit with this question not infrequently. "In time," I would answer, "in time."

She put me on a spot and asked me the question in front of others.

"When do you want me back?" I asked in return.

She said, "tomorrow."

"Well, only you know my timing of things," I said.

She always throws the craziest fun parties and it was the most fun evening I had in a long time. Yet, driving back home to the deep woods of Orange County, I welled up and let the tears fall. I wished I could give her a different answer.

I thought of the dream I had a while ago. Years passed and I was back. Many were strangers to me. Someone asked why I came back. I answered, "because A is here."

That would be my answer indeed...some day.

080729

11:42 AM. Magnitude 5.4 earthquake hits the southland. No frayed nerves--back to business as usual before noon.

Twelve hours later, however, I spent the evening updating the emergency kit with bottled water, couple of granola bars, medications all different sorts, flashlight, extra batteries, and even change of clothing. And I'm in bed wearing shorts and tank top, way more than what I'm used to wearing to sleep.

I miss the days when I was young and oblivious.

080727

Ours is not an act of love. It is an act of sex, a contemptuous act which at times is rough, sometimes violent, always animalistic, and never, to me, satisfying. I am too inhibited by thoughts, dreams, and diary full of yearnings for another man that I keep hidden under the bed. Yet I failed again to whisper au revoir into his departing ears.

Frailty, thy name is woman indeed.

080720-Sick...again

I had been feeling foul all that day. I came home agitated and with bitter aftertaste in my mouth. All night my dreams shattered into pieces and rained on me, except for the following portion which remained with me.

* * * * *

I was wearing a black pencil skirt, a strapless black brassiere and a sheer white shirt over it. First I found one little blood stain on the shirt. Then another. Then everywhere. I could not figure out where it was coming from, whether it was coming from within or without.

* * * * *

Next morning I awoke with a fever and migraine in the morning. There was no thermometer, but drawing from earlier experiences, I could tell that the fever was getting close to a dangerous level. Tylenol only worked temporarily--this unexplained fever was relentless.

So now, five days after it all started, I am on antibiotics and beginning to eat solid food again. There is slight fever still, but it is much more manageable. I lost ten pounds. I did not want to lose them this way. I don't know why I am constantly getting sick.

[dream] Kiss

I'm housesitting for a boss who I care not for, in a house that feels more claustrophobic than my own apartment. The only thing that makes my two week stay tolerable is the two-year-old yellow Labrador with a strange name. It is in this uncomfortable house that I began having vivid dreams again.

* * * * *

He came up to see me and kissed me. He still had me in his arms when she called. He answered, not letting go of me. Though I did not show it, I felt nothing but resentment.

After he left a tall pretty blond girl walked in. I approached her then kissed her as I would a lover. Her lips were dry, cracked, and felt rough on the tip of my tongue. She wanted more. But those lips of hers were a turn off. I walked away.

080706 - Why I thought of Renee Magritte

"You mean, you think I'm sexy?" I questioned.

"Yes, you're very sexy," he replied.

"Really?" I asked again. I had to.

"Do you really not know there are tons of men out there lusting after you?" he said, and immediately I had this image in my head.

I felt sick afterwards. I spent the entire long weekend buried inside my apartment.

080704 - Birth

I dreamt I was pregnant. The bulging stomach was unlike that of any other pregnant women's--a subtle convex of a curve from just below my chest. My hands could trace the head and limbs of the fetus inside. The long and skinny being inside my body was moving about constantly.

Instinctively I knew the time had come. I laid down on bed and breathed in deep to prepare myself. But without any pain the baby was born. It was a girl--a very special girl. She did not cry. She was her own complete person from the moment of birth.

I was not her mother. I was only her carrier.

* * * * *

I shared this dream with my sister and asked what she thought it meant. She had often hit a bullseye with her interpretation of my dreams. This time she was a little baffled.

"There's no way it means that you want a baby of your own. Maybe it means you'll soon face a new beginning of some sort," she suggested.

I think she's right again.

080702

For the past week or so, I have not been sleeping well. I would toss and turn, have vivid yet unrecognizable dreams, then in the morning wake up groggy, restless. Perhaps weather was to blame. Perhaps I need to cut back on caffeine. Perhaps I should stop watching movies like Camille Claudel.

Then last night, in bed, I found the source of my agitation.

What if I wake up to an intruder?

I have had such preoccupation before, but Mission Viejo supposedly being the safest city in the country, this thought did not occur to me since the move. But suddenly there it was, completely unfounded and benign. As I drifted into the Neverland, I thought, Pajamas. I should start wearing pajamas. Like that'll save me from armed intruder.

So I reached a conclusion that I need companionship. I think I'll opt for the four-legged kind.

080701

Suddenly there was a sharp shooting pain in my head. I tried to endure hoping it'll simply disappear, but it was stubborn. After popping two maximum strength Tylenol I grabbed my car keys. It was over 90 degrees inside my car, parked out in the sun. I didn't care as I crawled into the back seat. I lay there with not a single window cracked open.

I was drifting out of consciousness. My hand, still holding onto the keys, fell to the floor. I laid there for what seemed like an eternity. Until I found myself whispering, not yet.

So after fifteen minutes I was back. When I came back inside, no one had the faintest idea how close I came to being gone.