080826

S and I have begun having breakfast before work from time to time. The young junior designer has found me to be her mentor of some sort and she had asked many questions about the design industry, the firms I used to work for, and what she should expect outside of her first professional job.

This time we met at Lulu's Creperie for our early morning rendezvous. She was telling me about her boyfriend of six years. After being away on business for three months, S's boyfriend was due to come back in a month. She confided in me some time ago that, instead of missing him, she felt relieved, liberated. Upon his return, she was expected to accept his proposal. Having the time to think about it, she said, made her even more unsure.
 
"Can I ask you a question? You don't have to answer if you don't want to," I said.

She looked back at me with curious and anticipating eyes.

"Do you have a crush on someone else?" I asked.

She lowered her eyes.

"How do you know?" she asked.

"He's married, isn't he?" I asked her back.

Her jaw dropped.

"Really, how did you find out? I never told anyone," she said, baffled.

This time I lowered my eyes and shrugged, taking a sip of now lukewarm coffee. Our beret-wearing server stopped by to clear the plates. Except for an old man sitting at a table next to us, apparently a regular, the restaurant was empty. The fog had lifted and the sun was shining through. In the warmth of the morning sun we sat, contemplating. For the life of her she would never figure out how I knew.

080823

You have completed a full circle.
Now you are as the day you were born.

Happy 60.

080817

I saw you in my dream last night. It was a night of endless images but all I could remember was you, standing there, smiling. Then you called me this afternoon much to my surprise. You sensed gaiety in my voice. I didn't want to admit I was actually glad to hear from you.

Watching men's swimming in Olympics lately had me thinking of you. You never did lose that athletic swimmer's body from your days of youth. The morning after the first night we spent together, I woke up and saw you looking out the window, a white towel wrapped around your waist, hair still wet from shower. You were tall, lean, shoulders broad, hips proportionally narrow. For the first time I marveled at a man's body, which until then had been a source of certain repulsion and contempt. I found you as beautiful as you found me.

You have come and gone all in the course of this short evening. All I'm taking from tonight is how you wrapped your hand over my left hand and wrist and asked if it was still hurting a lot. Yes, I said, it's the most mundane activities that give it pain. You wound your fingers tighter around my hand and dozed off.

Yet, my friend, I love you not for I love another, even though this love is made of equal parts resentment, sorrow and madness. I seek from you the comfort and familiarity of our bygone childhood years when life was simple and innocent. Neither do you love me. We each hold back so much from each other, wanting, but not giving, knowing not to utter the same words we whisper in bed when we're clothed.

Selfish is what we are. Measured is the time ahead of us. Hurt we both shall be at the end of this time.

080813

in time. our paths shall not cross.

080809

"So, when are you coming back?"

I'm hit with this question not infrequently. "In time," I would answer, "in time."

She put me on a spot and asked me the question in front of others.

"When do you want me back?" I asked in return.

She said, "tomorrow."

"Well, only you know my timing of things," I said.

She always throws the craziest fun parties and it was the most fun evening I had in a long time. Yet, driving back home to the deep woods of Orange County, I welled up and let the tears fall. I wished I could give her a different answer.

I thought of the dream I had a while ago. Years passed and I was back. Many were strangers to me. Someone asked why I came back. I answered, "because A is here."

That would be my answer indeed...some day.