080813

in time. our paths shall not cross.

080809

"So, when are you coming back?"

I'm hit with this question not infrequently. "In time," I would answer, "in time."

She put me on a spot and asked me the question in front of others.

"When do you want me back?" I asked in return.

She said, "tomorrow."

"Well, only you know my timing of things," I said.

She always throws the craziest fun parties and it was the most fun evening I had in a long time. Yet, driving back home to the deep woods of Orange County, I welled up and let the tears fall. I wished I could give her a different answer.

I thought of the dream I had a while ago. Years passed and I was back. Many were strangers to me. Someone asked why I came back. I answered, "because A is here."

That would be my answer indeed...some day.

080729

11:42 AM. Magnitude 5.4 earthquake hits the southland. No frayed nerves--back to business as usual before noon.

Twelve hours later, however, I spent the evening updating the emergency kit with bottled water, couple of granola bars, medications all different sorts, flashlight, extra batteries, and even change of clothing. And I'm in bed wearing shorts and tank top, way more than what I'm used to wearing to sleep.

I miss the days when I was young and oblivious.

080727

Ours is not an act of love. It is an act of sex, a contemptuous act which at times is rough, sometimes violent, always animalistic, and never, to me, satisfying. I am too inhibited by thoughts, dreams, and diary full of yearnings for another man that I keep hidden under the bed. Yet I failed again to whisper au revoir into his departing ears.

Frailty, thy name is woman indeed.

080720-Sick...again

I had been feeling foul all that day. I came home agitated and with bitter aftertaste in my mouth. All night my dreams shattered into pieces and rained on me, except for the following portion which remained with me.

* * * * *

I was wearing a black pencil skirt, a strapless black brassiere and a sheer white shirt over it. First I found one little blood stain on the shirt. Then another. Then everywhere. I could not figure out where it was coming from, whether it was coming from within or without.

* * * * *

Next morning I awoke with a fever and migraine in the morning. There was no thermometer, but drawing from earlier experiences, I could tell that the fever was getting close to a dangerous level. Tylenol only worked temporarily--this unexplained fever was relentless.

So now, five days after it all started, I am on antibiotics and beginning to eat solid food again. There is slight fever still, but it is much more manageable. I lost ten pounds. I did not want to lose them this way. I don't know why I am constantly getting sick.