letter - 080429

Dear n,

August, 2007. We both missed our deadline. And I thought I missed it for good. But perhaps there is one more chance, most likely a last one. Come, dear friend, the grandest of all metropolis awaits us.

s.

[diary] 080428

Three for three.

A third call from a headhunter in three months.

This time, I asked for details.

[diary] 080426

A woman, some twenty plus years into a marriage, catches her husband at a brink of an affair. And to what she thinks to be the world, she announces, referring to the other woman, "that c*nt had an affair with my husband."

* * * * *

Years ago beyond the time my memory could capture, my father had an affair with an older, richer woman. Upon discovery, my mother did something entirely unexpected. Instead of confronting the woman, instead of confronting my dad, instead of making a scene and ruining his professional and social reputation, she went home to her parents, leaving all three of her children behind. It was no more than three days before my grandmother ordered my father to go and beg her to come back. She resisted and let it stretch out an entire week. When she came back home, the affair was over. For good. This story lay buried until many many years after my father passed away.

* * * * *

Apparently the woman's comment was made when my friend and I attended a concert in Santa Monica some months ago. She said it to Mr. S., who later told my friend of it. And my friend decided to tell me tonight, I guess, in celebration of our first get-together in five months.

"Did you see an old flame that night?" he asked me.

"No," I said. I was not lying.
"She probably mistook you for someone else. Of course, I defended your reputation."

I kept my cool smile and spared my words. We moved the conversation on to different subjects.

I had long sixty miles of drive home afterwards to think about what I might have said had I decided to flaunt my words. Perhaps that my reputation is not his to defend nor anyone else's. Or that this reputation he felt compelled to protect means nothing whatsoever to me. Or perhaps that the woman's comment was less a testament of my character than the reality of her marriage and her insecurities.

I thought about my mother. I thanked her for what little strength and wisdom she was able to pass onto me. With that, I pushed the accelerator further. I wanted to get home fast.

[dream] Glory in gray

I was in London. Early to mid forties in age, I suppose. Under the gray sky were the gray streets along which I walked, wearing gray slacks, gray turtleneck and a woolen gray coat that fell past my knees. I had success. But that was all I had. I wandered the streets aimlessly until I could walk no more.

Back in the hotel suite, I sat next to a luggage I left open in the middle of the room. Some personal belongings were scattered carelessly around the floor. And I just sat there in dead silence, not moving, until time stood still.

This dream dates back to my college days. I'll have to wait another decade to see if this dream was a prophetic one.

[dream] Knulp

Along the green pasture I began a long journey on foot.
There were sheep and herding dogs and tranquility around.

I woke up with the sun shining in my eyes.

Henceforth I begin a long journey, one different than the journey I have led so far.
I have finally accepted the person that I am.
And that changed everything.